Tag Archives: depression

Silver is not the colour of the lining (of my fuck-tonne of baggage)


Ain’t nobody got time for that

You should probably do something better with your time.

NB; This is part of my CB therapy. It’s one sided, it’s biased, it’s self pitying, it’s my mind and nothing else. If you happen to know me and happen to know anyone I allude to, then take it with a horse bag of salt. There’s so much left unsaid and so much probably overstated. That’s the nature of externalisation based writing therapy.

Continue reading Silver is not the colour of the lining (of my fuck-tonne of baggage)

Happiness, depression and coping in general.

How many times have you heard a variation of this?

  • Happiness is a choice.
  • Having an “attitude of gratitude” is something we can foster.
  • You make your reality
  • We can influence the way we [ think | act | feel ]
  • You choose to be positive.

If you are a natural cynic, a sufferer of depression or otherwise jaded with the world then your immediate attitude and response to being told to “choose to be happy” may very well have been the same as mine, namely “go fuck yourself” or some form of derivative invective thereof.

Continue reading Happiness, depression and coping in general.

5 years on …

It has been a while now, hasn’t it?

5 years since it finally all overwhelmed me and all i could see was darkness.

5 years since I had the breakdown.

5 years of trying to overcome.

Overall, I can say that I’m fine. It’s been … an interesting ride … but I think I now have life by the proverbial reigns for the most part – though I wonder if anyone truly does.

I say I tried to overcome the depression, but I think it’s better to state that I have learnt to walk along with that black dog slinking along on a leash at my heels and not riding my back and biting my neck.

Taking ownership of the depression and treating it like a “mental asthma” has been a big turn-around in achieving that, and so I take my three pills of “mental ventolin” a day and keep trudging along.

I took on a search for what the japanese called “Ikigai” – “a reason for being” or more to the point,  “a reason to get up in the morning”. The concept of building a teaching farm become mine and with that there is a reason to get up, deal with life and aim towards a goal that may very well be years in the future, but will ultimately allow me to say life had a meaning for me.

It may not be perfect, but it works for me for now, so I’ll keep going with it 🙂

The problem with self doubt

… is that it is like a cancer that attacks your emotional being.

If it attaches in one aspect of your life, it doesn’t stop there. It spreads. It wiggles its way into everything. It finds those dark spots you ignored. Those cracks from past traumas. The blanks of missing knowledge. The bruises from unpleasant encounters. If a soft spot exists, it’ll find it, and it will infect it.

Fighting back is not easy. The very confidence you need has been undermined. The resolve you need eroded under the relentless attack. Before you know it, your confidence is like a rotting apple on the tree … the skin still shines bright under the sun, but the core has already started rotting. Slowly and unnoticed by all, and before the skin wrinkles, before the rot breaks through, the apple withers.

fun things they never tell you about depression …

  • its not about “happy” or “sad” … it’s mostly about “meh” … from a deep hole.
  • stress triggers a lot more anxiety than you even imagined was possible
  • anxiety fucks with you and everything you do
  • sleep? ha!
  • Say hallo to my little sleeping disorder Insomnia
  • ooooh, you managed to fall asleep? here, have a nightmare where your pillow turns into a life threatening carnivorous animal and is about to chomp on your head.
  • Oh, did that give you a boost of unwanted adrenaline as you woke up screaming in a fight or flight ready state?
  • lack of sleep affects your brain’s chemical functionality – especially Serotonin and neuropeptides … which affect depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses … which affects your sleeping … which affects …
  • that reminds me – SNRIs? Yeah, they stop working after some time
  • coming off an SNRI drug is a two week tour of hell
  • going onto a new type of SNRI drug, yeop, a new two week tour of hell
  • Memory? Oh, you have it, but your brain decided to play portal with your synaptic pathways … good luck with that.
  • same thing with bursts of motivation …
  • I’d like to go back to my head devouring carnivorous pillow now, but it’s time for the alarm to sound so I can get ready for work.