I went into a depression spin this weekend. Still trying to unpack it and work out exactly what the trigger was …
I was asked that on another site and it’s funny how a simple remark can bring up a lot of emotional baggage.
Yes, in short, I am losing weight, and thank you for noticing.
Believe it or not, that is a very hard sentence to say.
So, there is background:
- its not about “happy” or “sad” … it’s mostly about “meh” … from a deep hole.
- stress triggers a lot more anxiety than you even imagined was possible
- anxiety fucks with you and everything you do
- sleep? ha!
- Say hallo to my little sleeping disorder Insomnia
- ooooh, you managed to fall asleep? here, have a nightmare where your pillow turns into a life threatening carnivorous animal and is about to chomp on your head.
- Oh, did that give you a boost of unwanted adrenaline as you woke up screaming in a fight or flight ready state?
- lack of sleep affects your brain’s chemical functionality – especially Serotonin and neuropeptides … which affect depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses … which affects your sleeping … which affects …
- that reminds me – SNRIs? Yeah, they stop working after some time
- coming off an SNRI drug is a two week tour of hell
- going onto a new type of SNRI drug, yeop, a new two week tour of hell
- Memory? Oh, you have it, but your brain decided to play portal with your synaptic pathways … good luck with that.
- same thing with bursts of motivation …
- I’d like to go back to my head devouring carnivorous pillow now, but it’s time for the alarm to sound so I can get ready for work.
No matter what people think, the reality is that I will never be “cured” of depression.
This reminds me of the words that always ring in my ears from my previous GP who once said to me,
“you have to think of it like this – asthmatics will always be asthmatic – even when it seems it has gone away for years … you’ll always have dysthemia. Sometimes it will be chronic and sometimes it will feel like it has gone, but, chances are you will always need some form of treatment. ”
Being angry at depression is like being angry at asthma – basically useless and somewhat self indulgent.
Sometimes, the meds help … sometimes they just don’t seem to make a difference.
Stress makes it worse. As does illness. Anxiety is the gateway emotion to dark places.
Sometimes there’s a trigger … if you’re lucky.
The following is a post written by someone I like to call a friend who I have known online for over 4 years now. Her piece is poignant and relevant, and I think worth re-blogging for others to read. Continue reading “someone else’s depiction of my depression”
I think the worst advice I have ever heard anyone give someone who is dealing with depression is “just smile.”
If only it was that easy.
However, there is something to be said for that simple statement. However, first let’s look at some basics.
It is far too easy to be caught in one or all of three traps that the darkened mind offers when when one deals with depression. Together they provide an environment that fosters further darkness, loneliness and personal destruction. There’s three things you need to be aware of:
- Raison d’etre Continue reading “Dealing with the monsters inside the black pit”