I look back at my days of using. In hindsight, it is easy to see the patterns. The self loathing. The slow but sure erosion of life. The destruction I was bringing on to myself. Each time I partook, it was an expression of self-hate. Self Harm. Suppression. Denial.
It doesn’t matter what the drug of choice is. It truly doesn’t. Some drink. Some snort. Some smoke. Some inject. Some pop. Some fuck. Some eat. Some cut. Some work.
I was a multiple abuser. Smoker. Workaholic. Binge Drinker. Binge eater.
Each allows one to spiral. Each allows one to drown in the loathing, pity and float in the dark waters of depression as we kid ourselves that it deadens the pain or relaxes us or that it allows us to zone out.
I tried a great many things to remove these behaviours from my life.
Two things I learned:
1. You have to honestly want to do so.
It makes no matter what you do, how hard you try, the efforts you go to nor the support you have .. it will all be for naught if you are not ready in your heart of hearts, Period.
2. The only one you are accountable to, is you.
You can make oaths to your parents, loved one, gods of faraway places or the blue fairy … it means nothing. Nothing. Not because of faith or the lack of it. Not because you do not care about the oath. Not because you do not resect the one you made the oath to. It’s because the issue is about you and your self-loathing. Your lack of self-love. Your failure to accept yourself. How can you promise to uphold something to someone that you are not willing to hold yourself to? So that you have another reason to hate yourself when you fail yet again?
You are responsible for the way you see the reflection from the mirror.
Don’t kid yourself. There is more than one view flung back.
The view of you as a person. As a lover. As a friend. As a parent. As an offspring. As someone who can be loved. As someone who can be trusted … all of these aspects are in there. Some you can see and be proud of. Some of them you will avoid looking at or accepting. Some you will turn away from.
I know I have met my demons and managed to control some of my many abuses. Smoking. Drinking. To some degree the working. But now … I need to face the binge eater. Each demon has different roots. Each battle is different. But the aim is still the same – to be able to stand up to myself.