Meh. That’s my general mood. I just can’t get any excitement up for anything. everything is bothering me. Nothing is satisfying me. It’s all just meh. I know what this is. I’ve experienced it so many times before. It’s the all too familiar peaks and troughs of depression rolling around me again. I can’t tell if it’s due to the increased stress and pressure at work or whether my drug levels have become ineffective and will need to be re-adjusted again. I’m already on a pretty high dose, so much so that has altered my life long low blood pressure status to high pressure for the first time last month. Either way, this is not working its way towards a good thing.
I have been avoiding booking myself in for my follow up gastroentology examination. It’s not so much the bowel clearing fun that is induced the day before or the oh so fearfully sounding procedural name of the “violent anal dilation” that is keeping me away as it is the fear of hearing they found bowel cancer again. Which is stupid, since the aim is to find the polyps early and not to find out when its become an intestinal wide issue. But hey, logic is drowning in the juices of fear.
Sometimes I wish the true marxist utopia (or the far more PC Gene Roddenberry interpretation of the Star Trek Universe) could be possible where we all had the same. In the Marxist utopia, we all would be paid equally, sharing in the wealth of the nation as equal shareholders. In the Star Trek Universe, there was no money, everyone had equal access to everything. Both had a concept that people did what drove them. You worked at something you loved doing, and that gave you access to the rest. The reality for me is that I need a mortgage to do achieve that, which thus forces me to do something for the money rather than the passion. That forces an additional layer of meh to bullet number two.
I may, regardless of my fears and issues with the concept, decide to get a lap band or similar modification to my stomach done in an attempt to no longer be a big fat lump. The reality is my lifestyle does not offer me much chance for movement and that means I need to drastically reduce my calorific intake. Perhaps that is the way to do it.
My dark glasses are not letting me see the silver linings at the moment.