This last week and a half has been hectic. I am in my usual situation of doing toooooooo many things and unable to give any of them up in fear that my life is very much a working reality special of a kerplunk game …
Which brings up another point. I realised that my entire life is run by fear. Fear, fear, fear and fear. It may seem strange to some people, but in all aspects of my life, fear is the biggest factor holding me back. They say that acknowledgement is half the battle … but without Jedi powers, how is one supposed to face the rancor that is the beast inside?
That aside, my mind space is filled with concepts that are fighting to come out. With the lack of either relaxation nor Internet connectivity or, for that matter, computing time … I am failing to get the opportunity to release them into any form of solid form. It’s an opportunity I need to make time for, because it is how I manage to solidify my thoughts and reshape my thinking.
My mind, in all honesty, has not been the same since my breakdown a few years ago. My mental acuity, at least from a very subjective point of view, does not seem to be at the same level as it used to be. Mind you, the amount of stress is also no longer there … so I sometimes wonder if the combination of stress, pressure, fear and drive created a constant “fight or flight” response that kept my mind at a level of activity that was (in hindsight) unsustainable, and thus my subjective view of my diminished intelligence and acuity? I don’t know how to answer that.
There are too many rancors in my mind’s dungeon … and this team status meeting is almost over, so I better sign off and get back to the consulting gig I’m working on.
[Reposted from xntrek]