doomed to repeat … some times … most times … all times

People are idiots and I am a class A idiot.

I, like so many of the people who are attracted to the community on tumblr, am going through “stuff.”

I, like so many others on Tumblr, forget about the “others” part.

I try to be a good person, and I try to be good to others.

Yet, there are blinkers.

Sometimes, you don’t notice the blinkers until you run into a wall.

This weekend, I ran into such a wall.

Those who have read through my history know that for all real intents and purposes, I have only really been dealing with my emotions for just under three years. That’s not an analogy or descriptor, I simply had nothing but seething anger and despair until my breakdown. As I have tried to detail in this blog, I’ve been learning to deal with them since then. I still don’t know how to deal with them most days.

I keep trying to remember that other people are having a hard time of it all.

But all I end up doing is being so self obsessed about my own issues.

This weekend, my reverting back to being hurt and lashing out over the perception of somebodies (in)action actually created the situation that I feared and thus created what may very well be an unrepairable rift between us.

I do not believe there is anything I can say nor do to fix that.

They told me that I take my life on tumblr, the posts, the relationships … all of it, way too close to the bone.

They were right.

It doesn’t always matter what I feel. The truth is that not everyone feels the same way. No matter how much I wish for it. I don’t know why they, over any other person, affect my emotions like they do. It’s not like they specifically go out of their way to do anything, it’s the way I react to them.

Having thought (brooded?) over the situation over the weekend since it occurred, I made a link. I feel about this person in a very strong way. I feel like a “soul mate” connection – but not in the sexual/relationship way … more like a long lost friend, a lost sibling … a missing part of me. It’s a feeling I can barely put into words let alone share with another. It’s this feeling that I think makes me over-react to certain (in)actions. Being ignored (or feeling like I’m being ignored/dismissed) accentuates that emotion and when I double that with first and only other “soul connection” I had where that person claimed to feel and acknowledge the connection and then still rejected me … I think it made the ability to be clear minded in the moment harder for me.

If this is the case, then I am now aware of it.

Though it may be too late to do anything about it.

I doubt the person I hurt will ever read this, but I am sorry more than you will know, and I wish I could take it back, but alas life does not work that way.

Sometimes, in the process of taking stock, we make promises to ourselves. We say we want to be better people, we say we don’t want to swallow any more shit and we pump ourselves up … and then do something. That something rocks the very foundations of your world. Whether it’s doing the very thing that you claimed to hate or whether it’s hurting someone because you didn’t look out – it makes no difference.

How is it we doom ourselves to repeat mistakes?

It may be too late to save or fix that relationship, but maybe not for the others.

Tumblr is a place of great affection for me.

I was told that Friendship should be a joy. You shouldn’t have to try at all. Words that may as well be about capturing magical unicorns to me as this has never been my experience. My life has not been one that afforded me many luxuries. I did not have a sense of belonging while I was growing up, I did not have the ability to make friends, let alone keep them. I still do not have many IRL friends. Tumblr has been the first place that has given me a taste of that.

This is why I take things so personally many times. It’s like being shown into a world of happiness and dreams and then starting to notice the garbage collectors … then noticing that they are only there because you have a lot of garbage.

I’ve discovered that this place is like a home for me.

What will I do when this community falls apart? I don’t know.

How many of my friends will still be friends in a few years? I don’t know.

I’m fragile. I forget how very fragile others are as well. There is a lot of shattered glass on the floor. I am walking across that floor bare footed and while I need to learn to waer shoes or forever be damned to cause myself sole damage, I also need to do my part in sweeping it up and making it safe to walk across the floor for everyone.

Yes, I do take the activities on Tumblr too seriously.

Yes, I do take a lot of things too close to the bone.

Maybe I shouldn’t.

Maybe I can’t be friends with everyone.

Maybe I shouldn’t try.

But in all honesty, I do not know how not to at this point in time.

I need people.

Yes, I need people to love. I need people love me. I need people to accept me. To validate me.

But really, what I honestly need – regardless of how much it will hurt at the time – I need people to remind me when I am being needy, being a douche, and even when I am being a tantrum throwing little shit.

There is no worse feeling than hurting and finding out that you are responsible for hurting someone else.

None.

My words cannot convey the turmoil and flurry of emotions beating against my insides at the moment.

Tumblr, rightly or wrongly, has given me a Sense of Place.

Rightly or wrongly, it feeds my vices of need, acceptance and validation.

Rightly or wrongly, demonstrates how lacking I am and how far I have to go.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s