to eight people. Eight people who I wanted to change the nature of my relationship, (more specifically, the way I deal with said relationships), with. It’s a combination of opening myself up and making a promise.
Today was my second last session with my shrink.2 years of weekly sessions, ending.It freaks me out a bit, but that’s not what I want to talk about.I have issues. Well, duh, huh?One of the issues I discovered is that I tend to avoid and/or sabotage emotional connections. Having us talk at that level means we are forming a connection, exploring emotions, and that.freaks.me.the.fuck.out. So I joke, or mumble, or go silent, or mis-respond or a mix of all of that. I never know what to do, and the more I want to be friends with someone, the more I seem to fuck it up.I’m so much better at the intellectual thing, and it’s only been a year since I’ve been getting a handle on my own emotions and the ability to externalise it via my blogging, but am still very much a babe in the woods when it comes to this arena.The shrink showed me today that I tend to do this, and I don’t know which is the greater fear : letting someone in, being vulnerable and thus exposed to further hurt and disappointment, or failing to trust myself with the emotions and what may occur with them … which I suppose can also be that I thus scare you with my inexperience or potentially a burst of raw, unrefined emotion, which will scare you away and thus we return to the hurting and the abandonment …My fear, let me expose it to you.When it comes to females, this is hyper affected as I have only ever had one real, sustained and healthy emotional connection with a female. So it scares me, while I know it’s possible for people all over the world to have multiple emotional connections, I have never had that and I don’t know how to handle it. If I read anything in the other persons behaviour that reads to me like a romantic interest, I freak.the.fuck.out.even.further.So, I’m sorry. I will try again. I apologise if anything I have said or done has already damaged a potential friendship. I promise I will try ever harder to correct this behaviour going forward.So, I guess I’m saying I feel like I have done this with you, and wanted to apologise, explain, and try again … or you can freely dismiss this as part of my craziness and we shall never speak of it again.
The responses to this have been amazing … and I will make an effort to put down my thoughts and lessons at some later time.