I sent out one of the scariest eMails of my life today …

to eight people. Eight people who I wanted to change the nature of my relationship, (more specifically, the way I deal with said relationships), with. It’s a combination of opening myself up and making a promise.
It read:
Today was my second last session with my shrink.
2 years of weekly sessions, ending.
It freaks me out a bit, but that’s not what I want to talk about.
I have issues. Well, duh, huh?
One of the issues I discovered is that I tend to avoid and/or sabotage emotional connections. Having us talk at that level means we are forming a connection, exploring emotions, and that.freaks.me.the.fuck.out. So I joke, or mumble, or go silent, or mis-respond or a mix of all of that. I never know what to do, and the more I want to be friends with someone, the more I seem to fuck it up.
I’m so much better at the intellectual thing, and it’s only been a year since I’ve been getting a handle on my own emotions and the ability to externalise it via my blogging, but am still very much a babe in the woods when it comes to this arena.
The shrink showed me today that I tend to do this, and I don’t know which is the greater fear : letting someone in, being vulnerable and thus exposed to further hurt and disappointment, or failing to trust myself with the emotions and what may occur with them … which I suppose can also be that I thus scare you with my inexperience or potentially a burst of raw, unrefined emotion, which will scare you away and thus we return to the hurting and the abandonment …
My fear, let me expose it to you.
When it comes to females, this is hyper affected as I have only ever had one real, sustained and healthy emotional connection with a female. So it scares me, while I know it’s possible for people all over the world to have multiple emotional connections, I have never had that and I don’t know how to handle it. If I read anything in the other persons behaviour that reads to me like a romantic interest, I freak.the.fuck.out.even.further.
So, I’m sorry. I will try again. I apologise if anything I have said or done has already damaged a potential friendship. I promise I will try ever harder to correct this behaviour going forward.
So, I guess I’m saying I feel like I have done this with you, and wanted to apologise, explain, and try again … or you can freely dismiss this as part of my craziness and we shall never speak of it again.

The responses to this have been amazing … and I will make an effort to put down my thoughts and lessons at some later time.

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