Part 2 of my homework, learn to accept compliments.
I find this so damned difficult.
During my therapy session, I mentioned a letter my partner wrote for me for my 33rd Birthday. I’m going to transcribe it here:
Darling, Honey, Sweetheart 🙂
To me, these are your names.
When I think of you, as you are today, I see a man who has become highly succesful in his chosen career, and when I contrast that with your … “career” when I first met you almost 13 years ago, I see what a long way you have come in that regard. I am proud of you. VERY.
But, more, much, much, much more remarkable than that … are the things about you that have remained the same.
You are kind-hearted. You bring helpless kittens home, when nobody wants them. You bring reckless daughters back to their mothers. You ignore petty acts of those who appear to be your friend, and take no “revenge” or “payback”, yet even help the person with their resume, with their buck’s outing … and thereby, earn one to be your friend in truth. You stop to give help to people in stuck cars and pull over for frantic waving old people in the dark on the highway. You look for charities to give regular donations to. You always give me the last bit of anything tasty. You insist on taking me shopping. You find ways of making special occasions special. I remember my last birthday, with beautiful roses and presents delivered at work 🙂 That you are kind, is one of the many things I admire and love about you.
How very thoughtful you always are. You take the time to think about things … and you are more perceptive about people than anyone I know. You always have a unique way of looking at the world, you open my mind to new ways of thinking, being, living. Your wit and humour have no match. You are the most interesting person I have ever met, and the most challenging; I love your strong, wild, powerful spirit.
You are honest. Your integrity shines through like a bright star; no wonder children and animals run to you! It’s as though, instinctively, they know you are trustworthy. You won’t tolerate lies, or vagueness. Being with you, has made me be more honest to myself, and with other people.
You are courageous. You see things others also see, however, where others remain silent, you speak out. You won’t stay inside if it looks like a man is pushing a woman around in the neighbourhood. You won’t say nothing, when you can see where things aren’t working in a company, and have a set of carefully, well thought out solutions to present. I love that about you.
The knight in Shining Armour. And I love you.
That you love me, is the greatest blessing of my life.
To make love to you, is my greatest pleasure.
To be with you my greatest joy.
The greatest guilt I feel about this letter, is that I do not deserve it.
I don’t see anything of pride in doing a job well. More to the point, success is measured by what? I was lucky as much as I worked hard. Should I be proud of luck?
As for the other things, these are things we all should be doing as a matter of course. Life is sacred; We should not be cruel to animals; We should stop wayward kids from making mistakes with their lives; We should forgive those who trespass against us; we should do unto others what we would want done unto us; we should look out for our fellow man; We should scream against injustice; We should never stop asking why; We should never stop seeing anew; We should want things to be better every single day.
This does not make me special.
I am not a special person.
I do not need accolades or awards.
All I ever wanted, was to feel loved.
Herein lies my guilt, for here is someone who loves me so much, and yet … I can’t feel it. I know it, I see it … but my heart is so scarred I’m afraid I will never truely feel it.