So while I was thinking about my distorted body image, I needed to see how I see myself.
Turns out it wasn’t a single, simple thing.
I hate my mind sometimes, why do I do this to myself?
So … now I need to meditate on what all of this means and how I have to deal with it.
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- This is my best self image – none. Just a disembodied head, hands and feet.
- When I see myself in my head, all I see is a giant balloon. I’ve always seen myself like this, for as long as I can remember. Even when I look back and there were photos of me “skinny” I wonder when that was, in my head … that time didn’t exist.
- At Parties, I feel like this more than see myself like this. Parties are strange because I feel like people can ignore me, see right through me like I don’t exist. However, due to the female population, I also feel like E.
- I do not have an accurate picture of my own body. Every time I look in the mirror, I am genuinely surprised by what’s staring back. Sometimes it’s horror. Sometimes it’s shock. Sometimes it’s pity. It is never recognition. It is never acceptance.
- My worst nightmare and an embodiement of every hate, fear, disillusionment and criticism I can ever muster. A view that women see me as nothing but a giant, fat, gross, ugly, misshapen thing.
- Doesn’t everyone want to be seen as beautiful? attractive? desirable? You know, I can’t picture myself like this. I have no concept of what i could look like all fit and buffed. My fear is that I’ll still be seen as ugly.
- I wish outside appearances were not importnat and that people could see my heart and what it offered. I wish they would see that as a gift worth having.
- I can see myself inhabiting a female body so much easier than a male body. I don’t get that. I have no desire to be a female. I especially have no desire to chop and add bits to and from my body. I just don’t understand why I can envision myself in a latino female body easier than any male body.
So, yeah. There you have it. What the fuck does it mean?
All I know, is that I have always seen myself as fat. I’m like the only overweight anorexic I know.
Everytime I think about losing weight, I’m filled with panic.
For now, I have an excuse. If you reject me, it’s because you are a fuck that rejects fatties.
What happens if I lose weight, and then you still reject me?