Multi variants of my self image

So while I was thinking about my distorted body image, I needed to see how I see myself.

Multi variants of my self image
Multi variants of my self image

Turns out it wasn’t a single, simple thing.

I hate my mind sometimes, why do I do this to myself?

So … now I need to meditate on what all of this means and how I have to deal with it.

|      A       B       C          D       |
|      E       F       G          H       |
  1. This is my best self image – none. Just a disembodied head, hands and feet.
  2. When I see myself in my head, all I see is a giant balloon. I’ve always seen myself like this, for as long as I can remember. Even when I look back and there were photos of me “skinny” I wonder when that was, in my head … that time didn’t exist.
  3. At Parties, I feel like this more than see myself like this. Parties are strange because I feel like people can ignore me, see right through me like I don’t exist. However, due to the female population, I also feel like E.
  4. I do not have an accurate picture of my own body. Every time I look in the mirror, I am genuinely surprised by what’s staring back. Sometimes it’s horror. Sometimes it’s shock. Sometimes it’s pity. It is never recognition. It is never acceptance.
  5. My worst nightmare and an embodiement of every hate, fear, disillusionment and criticism I can ever muster. A view that women see me as nothing but a giant, fat, gross, ugly, misshapen thing.
  6. Doesn’t everyone want to be seen as beautiful? attractive? desirable? You know, I can’t picture myself like this. I have no concept of what i could look like all fit and buffed. My fear is that I’ll still be seen as ugly.
  7. I wish outside appearances were not importnat and that people could see my heart and what it offered. I wish they would see that as a gift worth having.
  8. I can see myself inhabiting a female body so much easier than a male body. I don’t get that. I have no desire to be a female. I especially have no desire to chop and add bits to and from my body. I just don’t understand why I can envision myself in a latino female body easier than any male body.

So, yeah. There you have it. What the fuck does it mean?

All I know, is that I have always seen myself as fat.  I’m like the only overweight anorexic I know.

Everytime I think about losing weight, I’m filled with panic.

For now, I have an excuse. If you reject me, it’s because you are a fuck that rejects fatties.

What happens if I lose weight, and then you still reject me?

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