Maybe I know why now …

So since this shit happened this morning, I have been mad, like physically shaking, heart pumping, blood boiling angry.

I just didn’t know why.

Well, it’s been bubbling away all day – my head, my emotions and my memories have been in a turmulteous hard boil for just over seven hours now.

Today was a waste, I couldn’t talk to people, couldn’t work – I ended up going for a long two hour walk around the city to try and clear my head.

It didn’t work. My mind was bubbling away like this:

Hypocrisy Sexism Dismissal invalidation anger hurt desire¬† understanding white male bullshit racism discrimination isms isms isms no differences all the same remove the differences why dump me with them? how fucking dare you! why can’t you recognise it? I am not like them! So to agree is to be patronising and to not say a word is to be unsupportive but to speak out is to be misogynistic? Cookies? wtf? Am I your dog? fuck off! Who was there for me? Who gave me support? who gave me comfort? Society was there for me? How!? I fought all the way along, what did you do? Bandwagons are bandwagons, changing the words doesn’t make you different! Why do you not see this?

… on and on for the entire day.

I won’t bore you with all the details but a few main questions started making their way to the top.

1. Why do I react so violently to being grouped with “men”?

2.Why do I get so upset at these people for reacting against me?

3. Why do I get so angry at the hypocrisy?

1. Why do I react so violently to being grouped with “men”?

I think … I am a misandrist.

It’s a strange thing to say, but I think I believe that I hate men.

Evidence seems to fit –

  • I’ve always felt more comfortable with women
  • I’ve always had more female than male friends
  • Most of my male friends have been gay
  • I do not relate to the “alpha male”
  • Everytime I think of men, my lip begins to snarl (only just noticed this recently)

So, everytime someone groups me into a generalised group, they are effectively telling me I am no different to the people who caused me pain and suffering for all of these years.

Shit.

So there it is.

Almost every atrocity, hurt, pain, etc I have ever had has been done to me – has been by men. I mean, yeah women have played their part too, but the majority have been men.

Right now, all I feel is untold anger – not as violent as this morning, but just this dark, seething, cavernous, rage.¬† Who can I be angry at? The father who wasn never there and who I only saw when he was “punishing” me? The priests who could have helped, but decided it was more fun to take advantage of the fear? The school teachers who were not interested? Or maybe the school teachers who doled out physical punishment? The boys in the playground that teased? or the boys in the streets who dago hunted me? The cops who didn’t give a shit? or the cops who thought it’d be fun the harass the wog every day? — shit, I haven’t even left primary school yet!

So … yeah … I have no reason to do anything less than hate men.

2.Why do I get so upset at these people for reacting against me?

So, I think this becomes easier after the first question is answered. If I am a misandrist, then the only group of people I can relate to are women.

However, if women reject me – because I am a MALE – then, I am excluded, outcast – alone, invalidated and for what? I didn’t do anything wrong!

Considering I have massive issues around acceptance, love and validation – this is not a good thing to be hit with. The fear, the huge chasm of dread that this opens before me is practically unbearable.

Where will I find my place? How can I feel secure? loved? accepted?

Where do I belong if I am a misandrist and not a misogynist?

At least if I was a misanthropist I might not care at all …

3. Why do I get so angry at the hypocrisy?

The hypocrisy is a two fold issue – one of logic and one of fear.

Logically, I can not understand how one can argue that if one makes a sexist joke about a woman it is somehow more damaging than making a sexist joke about a man.

How is a jewish joke worse than a muslim joke? or a christian joke? or an atheist joke?

Aside from the obvious trick questions of jokes – how is it different to exclude men when you are talking about women being excluded?

The logic I suppose is an area of extreme philosophical debate.

The fear comes back to the second question – if hypocrisy is allowed and divisions are fostered, I’ll end up being the kid at the ned of the oval who doesn’t get picked for any of the teams.

My partner says she is there on the outskirts as well, by choice, and she likes it like that … but I find it too lonely.

I’m out of steam for the moment. Maybe I’ll update this again over the next day or so – will definitly bring it up with my therapist on thursday.

—————-

update: It’s ten pm. I feel like crap. I don’t like this processing shit.

I can see some of my old posts and I now get why people were so angry against me and what i was saying – I was so blinded by the “rightness” of equality, I never validated their point of view, oh I said I agreed with what they said, but that wasn’t validation.

Mind you, by the same token, there is never any validation.

I again feel like I am meant to give, give, give … but when do I get?

“If you don’t ask you don’t get” goes the saying. Bullshit. You ask and you get shot down in flames. You don’t ask and you’re just another doormat in the way.

Maybe I will be happier if I become a misanthropist, a pessimistic, twisted, cynical, misanthropist who expects absolutly nothing from anyone except fear and loathing, that way I won’t be surprised. I won’t be hurt and most of all, I can shut down my emotions for good.

Tell me, what’s the point of working through to “open up your emotions”, “expose your inner self” and to “talk to people” if all they are ever going to do is beat you to a pulp?

No one really gives a shit do they? Really? I mean, their is a whole lot of lip service, but no real action.

Maybe I am the one going about doing it all wrong?

Maybe I should just be out for myself?

When I reach out and try to know someone, I rarely get the same back.

I do nice things for people, but they do not feel they need to do it back.

I try and make things better – but no one wants *everything* to be better, just *their* bit.

My partner said I shouldn’t care what others think … but I can’t help crave that need for validation and the concept of someone hating me without ever really knowing me is worse than someone not making an effort to know me to like me.

How fucked up is that?

I see their point of view, I think I validated it through the apology, not that I think they will care – not that I’m going back to check either. I still think that the perpetration of that difference, the naming of logical arguments as misogynistic and the labelling of all jokes as oppressive does just as much to maintain the barrier.

Equality needs to be equal.

No, whatever has happened, has happened and that cannot be changed. But what needs to be done is to live now – not in the past. The actions should be taken into account, the context.

If I am always the one cooking, and I jokingly say to my partner “get in the kitchen and make me something wifey” is that oppressive? Why? because she’s female? If she says “get outside and take out the rubbish” is that oppressive? why not?

The double standards – that I’ll take this one but ignore that one – ability each group (feminist, gay, jew, greenpeace, democrats, etc) take is what disgusts me – that hypocrisy stinks to high heaven and i think that while it exists, things will never reach equilibrium.

But everyone cares about that as much as they care to know about the real crazy, fucked up, emotionally destroyed me.

——————————

“slept on it” update:

  • Do I hate myself because I am a man?
  • Does this explain why I relate better to the female psyche?
  • Does that explain my Distorted Body Image Map?
  • There is only one woman who I can say I hate – the one who raped me.
  • So why do I not hate all women if that’s the case? Isn’t that the way it’s meant to work?
  • Would that explain why I can’t orgasm either?

——————————

“a year later” update:

Still no clue on why this bugs me so or how to deal with it.

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