Existential Depression

Is it possible that my thanotophobia is induced by some form of existential depression?

Setting aside the obvious issues that the panic disorder and dysthemia throw up that require me to deal with, I’m talking about a basic resigned anger in relation to the realisation that the confrontation of basic issues of existance lead me to believe that it is all meaningless and thus resigned to an eternal, unresolvable depression at the sheer meaningless of life.

Death is an apparently inevitable occurrence.We are all told this. We all “know” this. It is one “truth” that I cannot swallow though, one that I have always fought with all my being, no matter how much I know in the pits of my deepest darkest places, that it is indeed true.

Freedom, in at least a philosophical sense, refers to the absence of external structure and control. Yet, as humans we do not enter a world which is inherently structured. In an attempt to bring order to the chaos, we give the world a form, a structure, a set of definitions which we ourselves create. In so doing, we actually limit the freedom that we utilise. As humans, we further create “order”, “laws”, “ethics”, “societal norms”, “religious values” and other such nonsense to help us mange the world and those we share it with … yet all at the cost of the liberty we once had. How can one claim to be free?

Within this confine, therefore, no matter how close we become to another person, a gap always remains, and we are thus nonetheless alone. Whether my emotional being is well adjusted or not, I fear, makes no difference to this realisation that we will never truly be able to emotionally connect to others – the gap will always be there.

So, I ask myself, if we must construct our own world, lose our liberties, live in a swarm of 6 Billion beings where each of us is ultimately alone, only to end up with an inevetible death – then what meaning does life have?

While I may wish that a spiritual world, an afterlife, even a deity of some form, existed – I honestly do not believe that this is true. I will acquiesce that it is possible that my acceptance of my atheism, after years of agnosticism and comparative theological study may very well have induced, if not heightened, this reaction … but … the reality is that this fear … the underlying niggling of this “existential crisis” … has been bubbling away for many, many years.

I have always tended towards idealism. I joke, however, that I am an pessimistic optomist … simultaneously able to see the world as it might be … and how far it is falling short of how it could be. I have become extremely cynical because of it. My therapist has remarked on my keen, even bitter, disappointment and frustrations which occurs when ideals are not met. More so when I have set them for myself and haven’t reached them.

Once, I was a dreamer, a ‘visionary’, even an evangelist for change – spouting ways of change, methods of improvement, means of bettering – but the constant inconsistencies, arbitrariness and absurdities of society at large infects those that may indeed be attracted to the initial thoughts and movement so that they too are infected and rotten away.

How much difference in the world can one person’s life make?

How much difference in the world can one my life make?

How much difference in my own life can I make?

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