So, it’s been a while since I’ve updated my journal, and as I was laying in bed with my head running at a hundred miles an hour, I realised that I had been up to my old tricks again and needed to offload … so, here I am at one am, ready to do just that.
Tuesday (03.03) I went in to hospital to have my “anal dilation” to have the polyp removed. Apparently it had grown quite aggressively, nearly doubling it’s size from when it was discovered aa month or so back, but they managed to get a good clean corterisation around and under the stalk (without a bowel perforation!) so that was good. They also did a full colonoscopy at the same time (since they were there!) and were happy to report that there were no further colorectal anomalies. I will need to go in and have a colonoscopy every two years from here on in to check and make sure I am “clean” but that’s a small price to pay! So, for now, I can consider that matter closed.
Admittedly, Wednesday and Thursday left me pretty braindead, still recovering from Tuesday, feeling quite tired and more than a little ill and green around the gills. However, Friday through today, I noticed (in hindsight) that I had been keeping myself in a constant state of brain “drowning”. That is to say, not giving my brain a second of thinking time, by constantly bombarding it with music, TV, online auctions, renovation plans, designing custom furniture and renovation activites, among other activities.
I think part of the reason for that is that my Thanatophobia was triggered big time, and I was trying hard to ignore it and not let the anxiety and panic overtake me. The few days up t the surgery were actually quite difficult in that sense – I self adjusted my Effexor intake up by an additional 75mg and took the valium to help alleviate the anxiety, the breathing exercises helped a bit, in the short term to “regroup”, but I was way too “worked up” for them to have a longer term affect.
So, as I stated at the beginning of this entry, my head was buzzing away and the offload was happening one way or the other, so I thought I better come out and record it. Admittedly, though, the primary reason was not to jot down the extremely concise week history above, but due to the stream of consciousness that matarialised, which I shall call : “Exorcising Demons”.
I suppose, that due to my anxieties around death and the fact that Thanatophobia is still playing me (what with the followup surgery next Tuesday), my mind started opening doors to hallways and memories that had been locked and hidden away for a long time. In a strange and almost replicted sort of way, my mind was digging out the demons it needed to deal with (think of the movie FlatLiners!) to be cleansed for the final curtain call.
I Thought I better record them and deal with them later.
Claudia ?? – I recall I was young – very young – probably 7 or 8 and in what I thought was playing around and in truth, also as a means of not being the lowest peg on the bullying heirarchy, I “ran over” Claudia with my pushbike. Apparently she was hurt quite badly, and while I was “forced” to apologise, I do not feel like I truly did.
Spaghetti Nose (Mark?) – I don’t remember much about this guy, I recall faintly that we were friends, I recall he was always snotty nosed (thus the nickname) but do not recall why I would feel like I needed to “cleanse” something here.
David Topp – He was probably the closest thing to a best friend I had for a long, long time. In hindsight, I realise I was the abuser of the relationship – taking far more than I ever gave. In hindsight, I feel that I was not as much of a friend as I could have been with him. However, my biggest regret is making fun of him when he told me he loved me once at a school camp – and worse – making him a point of ridicule in the mess hall later. I always felt guilty for that – and even more so when later on I discovered him to be extremely homophobic – always wondering if I was the cause of that.
Other names and faces started popping up as well – David Buchanan, Stephen Trotta, Jeremy Grima, Anthony “aussie” Armstrong … all names that started floating into this “demon exorcising” cloud of thought – but that has now dissipated since I started typing away at this journal.
I don’t know whether there are any “cleansing” items associated with each name – or whether that now that some of those doors and hallways have been opened, I am starting to recall childhood memories and the people that filled them.
Perhaps that’s a matter to meditate on another time – it’s now gone past 3am and sleep has started to catch up with me.
I guess this is a good reason to ensure I maintain my journal!