Wed 25.02.09

It’s about midnight. I got up from a restless and anxiety ridden attempt at falling asleep. I’m coursing with nervous energy and my skin is dry crawling.

Today wasn’t a good day for me … woke up tired and lethargic, struggled to do my morning routine and make my way into work. When there, struggled to do my work – even though I’m not really being “productive” at the moment. Mind you, even if I wanted to be, there really isn’t any major work to be done as the major contracts are “on hold” … but that’s another story.

Mate of mine had to unload regarding issues with the tax office and his brother, and I was fine with that. I tried to be positive, supportive and all that … and when he finished, I tried to steer the conversation to a lighter topic – but he was upset and it was affecting him … and while I know that I should be more vocal about how people make me feel, it would have been the height of insensitivity to say, “hey, I need to be surrounded by happiness, joy and gaiety so that I can cope with the darkness when I am on my own later” … sort of like sending forget-me-nots to an Alzheimer’s patient.

At lunchtime, I decided to have lunch with a few other workmates to re-introduce some levity into my day … unfortunately, one of them was focused on a pure financial crisis all doom and gloom scenario of the world, and the other is upset from a marriage breakup. So, no “joy” there. Again, as much as I wanted the distraction, I once again thought it best not to send forget-me-nots.

My ill mood and anxiety were then rewarded upon return to the office with a reminder of my surgery next week –mere days away in fact. It does worry me, I know I can look at all the positives, but the reality is I don’t like surgery, it scares me and I don’t like the expected illness that will eventuate as part of my “recovery”.

If my anxiety levels weren’t already peaking, then they reached a new crescendo when I was informed that while I have been a valued member of the team, it is unfortunate that due to the current financial crisis, and the subsequent the budget constraints that our company is battling and the like, they are most likely able to only offer me two choices when I come back from my medical leave – redundancy or permanent part time.

So, assuming the latter rather than the former, that’s almost 50% of my wage wiped out in a foul swoop of ink.

Wow.

I know, that the positive side of this is that I may still have a job, and an income and thus be able to pay my mortgage, albeit with a newly constrained life style … but better than a zero amount and the fight to seem “normal” in front of perspective new employers.

So, as of today, I have to pretend that the pay cut has already happened, so that ugly B word is rearing it’s head – Budget. So, now we are looking at where we can cut corners and costs everywhere … and my anxiety has gone up, because now that means we have to be financial nazis again – which is a state that reinforces my corporate slavery model of thinking … which depresses me … so I’m going to need an arsenal o deal with that.

I heard an ad on the radio today spruiking the benefits and joys of hypnotherapy – “keep those new year resolutions, or just improve your life!” it proclaimed, along with the usual bevy of quit smoking, lose weight, decrease stress and control your drinking claims, the next line caught my attention “increase your willpower and motivation”.

Wow.

Is it possible?

Can it do that?

By how much?

How effectively?

Can I utilise this to give me a boost?

Will it help?

Can it hurt or hinder me?

Can  I use this to help me in any way?

Can it be used to create an auto-relax response? It would help … I’ve been typing this in an effort to reduce my anxiety and relieve some of the nervous energy as a means to avoid the valium, but it seems that if I desire to sleep tonight and to feel some relief, it is to those little pills I need to go.

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