Wed 18.02.09

It’s currently almost five in the morning – I woke up from another “emotional” dream about half an hour ago … this time the dream involved the Mrs. Even though the dream was filled with images of an “alternate universe” as well as aspects of surrealism and unrealism, the final scene of the dream involving me finding her at the supermarket, still pottering around and filling a trolley after specifically telling me to finalise my basket and pay as she was “right behind me” and the subsequent verbal fight, emotional turmoil and desire to strangle her were so intense, that I still feel the anger, frustration and all but murderous ball of emotion that wanted to hurt her for mocking me and brushing aside my feelings as I explained my state of frustration with having to wait at the car for 40 minutes while she continued to potter around. The palpabilty of these emotions upon waking have been so strong that I had to get out of bed …

I’m sitting here typing this, and all that’s running through my head is David Bowie’s “Life on Mars” lyrics … “It’s a god awful small affair, to the girl with the mousy hair …” and almost as a round robin form of choir, the chorus is also playing in thebackround behind the verse “… is there life on ma-aaa-aaar-ah-ahrs ..” I don’t know why, and there is no special significance to that song in my conscious mind … but it has removed the images of the dream and dissipated the emotional mess to some degree …

The day can only get better one assumes.

—-

So, here I am at just after one in the afternoon, and the day is not getting better … regardless of my intentions or efforts.

I feel like crap physically (pain in the gut, sweats, nausea and general disorientation) which I’m trying to hide … although it’s hard to hid a sweaty shirt …

mentally, I’m foggy amd emotionally, I just want to crawl up into a foetal position … I can feel that part of my mind that tries to utilise the dissaciative state to keep me going is trying to kick in … I’m fighting it to a degree, but the effort is making me feel light headed – I feel like my mind is floating between the two layers – an “out of mind” experiance?

I logged onto and started writing so as to force my mind to focus, but I’m struggling … I think I could lie down and easily black out if I let myself right now … and it seems it’s taken me fifteen minutes to write this down …

I was annoyed with a mate of mine earlier (and still, really) – not that I think he was trying to be an ass, but I felt like it was an attack – even though I am pretty sure it wasn’t … he told me that it “breaks his heart” to see me overweight and sweating … he wanted me to “go back to the gym religously like you did a few years back – okay, you’ll never be skinny, at least you’ll be healthy”.  I understand what he means, but I feel like he is ignoring the fact that I mention I have constant pain in the gut and back as though it’s an excuse … I also know that my reaction is just as much (if not more) about my own unhappiness and judgement about my weight and health … and his comments, regardless ofthe space they come from, just make me feel worse …

I’m sick and tired of the way I feel (both emotionally and physically), the way I look, the way I hurt and especially the  constant battle with my body and psyche.

I feel tired all the time.

My sleep patterns are getting worse.

I feel like I’m losing the entire war … not just one battle or the other …

—-

Here I am again at half past midnight – I went to bed two hours ago and just couldn’t sleep for the life of me.

My head has decided to focus on past memories all of a sudden – people and events I haven’t thought about in decades or that I had even forgotten entirely started popping into my conciousness … ex girlfriends, schoolmates, friends even a couple of people who I just had passing conversations with just popped into my head … all of a sudden I found myself compiling a list of people who I had a desire to re-meet.

Mind you, I don’t know why … I feel I don’t have much in common with the people around me as it is … and even less so with those people as I was growing up … the person I am is so far removed from the person I was back then that it could be said I am a different person entirely.

So, what is my mind really trying to tell me?

Why am I craving this contact?

My fears ofcourse kick in and worries about the usual rejection outcomes … but logic dictates that even if I was to contact these people, then what? What would I say?

I’m downing some valium now in the hope it will knock me out enough to get some sleep.

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