Mon 16.02.09

Today I went and saw the metabolic and nutrionist physician. Among the many things that needed to be discussed, the one most prominent in my mind was the operation to remove the polyp in my colon. All I could think of was that it was cancer, and I wanted it gone.

My thoughts and emotions were muddled by the fact that I have put on weight, it’s reached 140 and I feel like I’m losing the war as I slowly find my body creeping back towards 170. There’s no other choice but to take the balloon option as well. I know I was considering it and looking at it as a means of helping correct my mind state and habits around eating, but now I feel like it’s my only real choice in battling the weight. I just don’t like feeling like I have less of a chice – which I know, logically, is not true, but that’s how I feel.

So, my surgeries have been booked, the massive out of pockets are being organised and I have informed work of my further absence that this will cause and while I am worried that this will be seen negatively (even more so in these uncertain times of finacial turmoil) I have to try and expel those thoughts and presume that things will be ok.

That wasn’t easy, I find that negative thoughts and paranoia is a way too easy state of mind to be in … which scares me a little to be honest – I don’t want to let those thoughts start taking over … I don’t want to become a mass of paranioa and fear.

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