Tue 10.02.09

I’ve been letting myself slip into the old pattern of hiding myself from my emotions and hiding my thoughts and feelings from those around me again. While not the same “shell” like structure I used to have, I am still utilising a form of abstraction layer.

The difference is that I know I’m doing it this time.

The other difference is that I know why.

I don’t want to deal.

I don’t want to face my anxiety. I don’t want to face my fears. I don’t want to feel sad, depressed, rejected or simply crap anymore.

Yet, I know that this “abstraction” isn’t helping … no matter how much I focus on funny things – humourous websites, comedies, comics, comedians – it’s all a little forced … and I’d dare say that from within it’s almost manically driven so that I don’t have to deal with the darker thoughts and feelings.

I am trying to feel lightness and joy by forcing it upon myself.

I don’t think it’s working …

… it feels false …

… I know it does …

… I can feel it under my skin like a evil, oily, blob monster.

I don’t want to feel like I do, I don’t want to feel like I did and I don’t want to go through the anguish … but there’s no choice … I know I will have to.

Either now … or later.

But either way, I will need to continue working through that shit and dealing with that monster and dealing with the memories and dealing with the health issues … and I will feel crap all the way through that journey, and I will feel crap until I do and I will feel crap, quite possibly, for some time afterwards …

… but the issues is that no matter how many times my therapist tells me that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, that it will get better and that the progress I have made on “my journey” has been remarkable … I don’t see the light, I don’t feel better, and the only progress I feel I have made is deeper into the pit.

I just want to scream out a primal howl of anguish and expel all of the negativity – like a scene from Dr Who or some SciFi horror movie … but, alas, that’s not possible. Instead, I let myself do what I have – let myself get distracted by house renovations and menial tasks and weird little comic distractions on the web … rather than try and feel anything from that pit of despair …which doesn’t work …

… so is the devil you know really better than the devil you don’t?

I don’t know the answer to that yet.

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