Mon 24.11.08

Been a mess since Thursday.

I was already feeling fragile, even a little tender. I could feel the frustration building up. Every time even the smallest opportunity presented itself, I could feel myself getting angry. I found customer service an easy target for such venting.

Discovered that this is an easy way to vent all that pent up stuff –  allow it become anger, blow up, vent, bottle empties – start again.

But Friday saw it getting worse and a fight with my sistertriggered an explosion which then plunged me into despair.

I sometimes succeed in blocking it out for a while – but mostly I’ve been emotionally drained, dark, heart breakingly dark and crying ever since.

Today is no different.

I can’t motivate myself to do anything … and in an attempt to braindead myself, I’ve subjected myself to a bunch of movies – but nothing seems to be able to distract me enough.

I’m writing this as fast as I can at the moment because once i recommence crying, it’ll be a while before I stop – and i don’t want to forget what I need to say or lose the motivation to scribe it down.

I feel so dark and alone – the despair, sadness, depression is almost like a cloud of squid ink enveloping my heart and growing out. I don’t have the words to describe it – just that it hurts more than ever, and I can’t squash it like I used to, can’t hide it like I used to and I don’t know how to deal with it.

Where is the light?

How do I feel the love of my partner, friends or family through this?

How do you stop feeling this way?

My thoughts are haunted by images of my sister screaming and crying on Friday – my ears are assaulted by her accusations of favouritism and denial of the attention and help our parents gave her.

Part of me wants to scream at her to stop being stupid, and to allay her misplaced anger.

Most of me wants to retaliate and attack her – remind her who was the favourite and who had it good.

Part of me wants to throw back in her face all of the shit she has thrown at me over the years.

Part of me wants to tell her it’s ok and it’ll get better if she calms down. But she won’t listen. She doesn’t care, well, not that she has ever demonstrated – she is a typical spoilt princess who is fine and dandy while things go her way, but becomes a mutant monster of grimm tale magnitudes when she doesn’t.

So why do I feel like this? Why can I logic it out and still feel like this?

I wish it would all stop.

I don’t want this.

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