Tue 28.10.08

My dark mood continues.

Very ‘flat cat’ & non responsive to externals. I feel like I have ’empty emotions’ with an external facade to some degree, but it feels paper thin, like it’s ready to tear or blow away … not like the armour that used to protect me.

Extremely sensitive and emotionally drained as well, like I’m ready to “break down and cry” at any moment.

The people aroun me seem to be happier when I appear to be “my old self” – which is really that super happy tough as nails facade that I always maintained. Today, though, it feels heavier and costlier to maintain it. I really don’t want the burden of trying to maintain it anymore – but I don’t know who I am or how to be without it …Will they still love me? Will I be so different without it? Why can’t they see me for me? see past it?

The therapist and the wife both wonder if I am pushing myself too hard by going back to work so soon after the breakdown.

I wonder the same, to be honest, but part of me is afraid if i do not, I may never do so … part of me is afraid that I’ll lose my job (even though they have been great and supportive) … that same part is worried that people may percieve me as ‘taking advantage’ of the situation …

I know it’s not true, but why do I care so much about what someone thinks?

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