If I tell you how to make ’em will you stop clogging up my roads?

Ever since that demon in fluffy-deep-fried-glazed-up-yeast form turned up in my area, you doughnut-loving freaks have been driving across town to the ass end of Melbourne and clogging up my roads and causing no end of headaches for me.

So, here’s my deal, I’ll give you the recipe on how to make ’em (it’ll take you less time than the 3 to 4 hours you line up for them at the store!) and you get off my roads, ok?

So here it is, the recipe to make your own Krispy Kreme waist busters:

For the doughnut part:

1/4 cup of warm water
11/2 cups lukewarm milk (par-boiled then cooled down)
1/2 cup of sugar
2 yeast packs
1 teaspoon of salt
2 large eggs
1/3 cup crisco or ghee (shortening)
5 cups of plain flour
vegetable oil
For the glazing:

2 Cups castor sugar
1/3 Cup Butter
11/2 teaspoons of vanilla essence
6 tablespoons of fresh boiled hot water

To make the Glaze:

Standard glaze: gently warm the butter on a low heat until it’s melted, lower the flame to it’s lowest setting and stir in the sugar and vanilla essence until it ‘s a smooth consistent paste – then remove it from the heat and stir in a tablespoon of hot water water at a time, until you have a smooth treacle.

Chocolate glaze: As with the standard glaze, but add a handful (120grams) of chocolate chips with the butter.

Orange/Pineapple glaze: As with the standard glaze, but add 2 teaspoons of orange or pineapple essence with only half of the vanilla essence. For extra fruity-ness add some grated orange peel (or fine grated candied pineapple) to the butter stage.

To make the doughnuts:
Dissolve yeast in the warm water in a medium mixer bowl. Add the milk (warm it in a saucepan till it just begins to boil, then let it cool down, just as the skin forms, remove it and pour it in once it’s just lukewarm), the salt, both eggs, ghee and 2 cups of the flour.

Place the mixer on a low speed (continually scrape the sides of the bowl mixing it back into the centre) – do this for about thirty to forty seconds, then speed the mixer up to medium continuing to scrape the sides of the bowl occasionally for about 2 more minutes. By this stage, you’ll need to add in the remaining flour, beat (and scrape) until the mixture is smooth.

Cover the bowl with glad wrap and some tea towels in a warm dark place to let it rise. this should take about an hour for it to roughly rise to twice it’s size. If you’re not sure, you’ll know the dough is ready when you poke it and the dents remain.

Flour up a surface (like your kitchen bench) drop the dough onto it and roll it around lightly to coat it with flour.

With a floured up rolling pin, roll it out to create a slab of approximately 11/2 to 2 centimetres thick.

Cut out your doughnuts by using two cookie cutters (larger for the doughnut, smaller to cut out the hole) lay them on a tray (remix your “holes” by repeating the slab process) then cover them again for about half an hour to let them rise further.

Get out your deep fryer and pour in some light vegetable oil, warm it up to about 150-180*C (or just hot if your fryer doesn’t have a thermostat) then drop in your raw doughnuts into the oil. As they rise to the surface, turn them over and fry them till they get that golden brown colour (shouldn’t take more than a minute or two).

Use a slotted spatula to remove them from the oil without breaking the surface, and drain them on some layered paper towelling.

Dip the doughnuts into your glaze and lay them on a wire rack. When they’ve cooled a little, you can turn them over and glaze the top.

Wallah! Your own Krispy Kreme glazed doughnuts.

Now, stay off my roads!

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