Morons in Print : From the Welfare office

[Text that came with eMail:]

  • I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died, which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
  • I am writing to the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
  • Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
  • I cannot get sick pay. I have six children . . . Can you tell me why?
  • I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
  • This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
  • Please find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can’t eat or do anything until he knows.
  • I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married to his father a week before he was born.
  • In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a ten-pound son. I hope this is satisfactory.
  • I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
  • My husband got his project cut off for two weeks and I haven’t had any relief since.
  • Unless I get my husband’s money soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
  • You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?
  • I have no children as yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.
  • In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
  • I want my money as soon as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me any good. If things don’t improve I will have to send for another doctor.
  • Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by John Smith. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
  • I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
  • I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks
  • I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heel in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced.
  • I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
  • I cannot tell you the name of child A’s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.
  • I do not know who the father of my child was as all squadies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
  • John Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
  • From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney — maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
  • So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I’d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to a party, [my eggs] might have remained unfertilised.
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