Oil Change Instructions

[Text that came with eMail:]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Ultra Tune after driving 10,000 kms since the last oil

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained

Money Spent:

Oil Change $55.00

Coffee $2.50

Total $57.50

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
oil filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
cheque for $95.00.

2) Stop by Liqourland and buy a carton of beer, write a cheque for
$30.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end spanner.

9) Give up and use pliers.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: Splash hot oil on face and arms
in process. Swear.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up, crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among rubbish in
wheelie bin to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) A mate shows up, finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow.

18) Sunday: Skip mowing lawn and taking kids to footy because “I gotta
finish the oil change.” Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath
car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to Liqourland buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.

23) Dump first Litre of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard
along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
lawn mower fuel.

29) Discover that first Litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid pliers tightening drain
plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorpan in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin swearing fit.

34) Throw stupid pliers.

35) Swear for additional 10 minutes because pliers hit Miss August(2002)

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23-43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $95.00

DUI $2500.00

Impound fee $75.00

Bail $1500.00

Beer $60.00.

Total– $4230.00

But! – at least you know the job was done and you know the job was done

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